Catch Up With Me

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I’ve completely lost any sort of schedule I may have had for this blog. I firstly want to say sorry. I didn’t mean to. I got caught up with things going on which include traveling/living in London temporarily, enjoying time with my boyfriend, learning about film production, networking with various producers, trying to see friends and family, writing a bit for Huffpost, looking for job prospects, etc. You name it, I’ve probably been trying to sort something out in that arena.

So right now, although I know I owe multiple Sicily stories, I’m catching you up on me and my thoughts. What’s changed? I still find life hard, or rather, challenging. Every day is a new battle. I’m fighting negative thoughts of what am I doing with my life (as in, who do I think I am, taking time off again to be in London like I’m some sort of privileged individual). Thinking, did I mess up? Should I have stayed longer and earned more money at my previous job? Thinking, where are you actually getting on your quest of applications, new business emails, networking and the like. But I need to give myself more credit. I’ve done a lot and been through a lot.

These past two and half months (nearly three!), I’ve had a lot of happy moments and trying ones. I’ve doubted my ability to succeed and earn a living up to my standards (nice quality of life where I can help some family members if they need but also take care of myself to do the new things I’ve grown accustomed to doing (travel, nice brunches, etc).

I want so much but I want to be grateful. I also don’t want to want for too much either. Like, I don’t want to be greedy but I don’t plan on denying myself things that I’m capable of getting and making happen.

I want others around me who are striving for things and putting their all into it, to get what they want. I want people to achieve because I think if you put in a lot of effort, don’t let people talk you out of things or let self doubt throw you into a spiral, your dreams can come true.

Me, I’m trying. I’m still optimistic about what I can do and how it can be done. I’m not being naive – I think I’m being realistic about it but I need to positive as well. Positivity can change a lot of things for you – how you see certain situations and opportunities. It also can motivate a person into putting themselves into more situations where even better things can result just because you take everything in stride.

That’s what I’m doing. Taking things in stride and learning day by day. That’s my excuse for the lack of blogging. I’ve been hustling as much as I can with the intention of blogging at night but sometimes, my mind just needs a break. Some Youtube clips of The Real, movie reviews and news of Trump and Theresa May have distracted me. I’ll try to do better!

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Women’s March + Trump Thoughts

America, what is happening? World, what is happening?

There’s nothing wrong with the Right side in theory. I believe in balance. In Yin and Yang. In dark and light. We need opposing forces at time to counter one another, preventing someone or something from feeling as if they are so powerful that they can do anything.

Now, I feel we are in a time where one side feels they can do anything. The Right.

Daily, I come across or am informed of new articles about right-winged members pushing forward their agenda and calling for a rise of right power around the world (that sounds alarmingly close to another type of power). This scares me. Not because they are the new majority, but because of the statements they are making about what they feel is good for the people seems completely off. Maybe I’m biased. I am liberal. I’d prefer if Trump had not become the President of the U.S (as I’m sure many wished this as well). But, the real question is what’s happening?

Why does it appear as if we’ve come so far only to see injustices and inequality to tip the scales once more? Why are people calling for isolationism and exclusion when we are supposed to be one? Why does it seem like we are falling down some dark abyss into this dystopian society Hollywood and authors have been scribbling down as of late?

I’m confused. I want to help but I’m not sure how. Did I participate in the women’s march? Not really, I stumbled into the NYC one. Why didn’t I? Wasn’t it my right and duty to help the cause and do what I could make change come about?

Well it was brought to my attention that although the women’s march was inclusive and a fabulous show of support. There were still exclusionary properties to it. Women, I believe, are any females on this planet. No matter the color or age. The Women’s March when first created tried to brand itself after a march that already took place featuring all black women standing up for their rights. Why did the new march try to poach their name? Because they had no idea it existed. How can women not be aware of other women struggles for people of color? I think that’s wrong. It’s not right and still, even as a woman person of color, you’re fighting for not only your gender but your race. Life!

This is me talking frustration. I’ve traveled to many places and met people from all over. I haven’t been to every country or even what I consider a lot (maybe I’ve been to about 10 or 12), but I’ve met a lot of women. Each one unique, distinctive, with their own set of problems and opposing forces that they face in their country. It’s freaking crazy what some have been through. But all I can think, we need to get better.

We need to find a way to survive Trump. Not in a victim way but actually figure out a solution to all his wrongdoings so America and the world comes out relatively unscathed from his term in office. There has to be a way. We need to find it.

We need to be better as people. We need to be inclusive. We need to remember that a racial slur is a racial slur no matter if you’re progressive and only joking. We have to be aware and make changes. Continuing to grow and better ourselves, one day at at time. We have to!

2016, You Were Interesting

Seven days into 2017. WOW. I can’t believe it. I feel like time is flying already but I’m so excited about what’s to come this year. I have high hopes (and a list), much like how my 2016 started, and no real doubt as to why my hopes can’t mostly come true.

Right now, I’m currently nursing a weak stomach. I’ve either had food poisoning or some sort of stomach bug. This doesn’t make me happy as last night was quite awful and I’ve already had a small bug toward the end of 2016. But oh well, better to get these small things done and out of the way so 2017 can carry on the way I want. lol

2016 was crazy. I loved it though, despite the US election, Brexit, shootings and other awful world happenings. I mean, it didn’t seem like a good year for the world but in actuality, there’s always something not so bright and shiny going on. If I Wikipedia 2015, I’d bet that I could come back with a list of awful things that happened to America and the rest of the world. But like I was saying, I loved 2016.

It was the year I took more risks and put myself out there. I tested myself and pursued some passions come to find that it wasn’t the end of the world. Things I did in 2016 include (in no particular order):

  • Move to London for 5 months
  • Travel around Europe
  • Did a short film program
  • Interned at a few production companies
  • Went on more dates/found a great boyfriend
  • Started my blog
  • Got a tattoo
  • Met new people
  • Worked on film projects

The list isn’t too meaty but within each bullet is a chapter of stories I can reflect on. So much happened to me within each item that developed me as a person. Do I know everything about life and where I’ll be? No way! But I feel more assured about what I’m doing and taking the risks to get to a new path in life.

Living in London was a crazy experience in itself. Nothing was what I expected but I also didn’t go into my experience with mega expectations. I think that was a huge help! Not that you shouldn’t have expectations but I didn’t put too much pressure on myself to make things happen which I often do. I took things in stride and learned from each hiccup, success, and mini moments of embarrassment or failure.

I learned that I’m stronger than I thought, friendlier than thought, braver than thought and just as susceptible to stupid moments. I cried hard in 2016 and explored hard in 2016. Couldn’t do any better I say. I went to Amsterdam, Malta, Manchester, Mallorca, Cornwall and Tenerife (blogs for this coming up). Again, loved every minute of it!

There were no regrets in 2016, mostly. I’m not adverse to making a mistake but even with mistakes, I like to think I learned how to recognize them more and handle situations differently.

2017 – there are so many things on the books for you. So many plans! I feel I keep dropping hints and saying things but that’s mainly for myself. The more I make it public, the more I hold myself to it. That’s what I did in 2016 and I think it was a pretty smart tactic (helped me get that extra push to book my flight to London). I don’t want to be held back by fear or society, I just want to go for it. And I am. Stay tuned for more guys. As I said, I plan on staying on here for a bit (or maybe I didn’t say but I’m saying now!), developing my blog and keeping you posted on the latest. You’ll probably know what’s going on with me before my family does! haha

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Wake Up & Smell The Hot Cocoa

So December snuck on me – that was lovely. Lovely because so many things are about to happen. A trip to Tenerife, Christmas, Holiday Parties, A Long Overdue meet up with the BF (I have one now), etc. All of this sounds so crazy but the craziest thing of all is the fact that this year is my golden birthday.

What’s that you may ask? Golden birthday is when you turn the age of the date you were born on (at least, that’s what I was told). For some, they experienced their golden birthday at the ripe age of 3. Me, I’m going to be turning 27 on the 27th this year.

I don’t really love my birthday in general. I mean, I’m glad to be alive but don’t really look forward to the whole getting older thing but this year, I don’t mind. Partly because it’s my golden birthday and I’ll be in Tenerife with my BF on that day, but the other half of that is I feel like I *may* be hitting a stride or turning point?

I don’t want to jinx myself but I’m very positive about the things to come and achieving what I ultimately want. I think 2017 will be wonderful, despite all the tragic political craziness happening around the world. I have to be optimistic though. What kind of life do I expect to lead if I can’t see greatness for myself in the future? A pretty dark one is what I think.

This feeling of general glee and excitement came over me while sipping on the hot cocoa pictured in the featured image. I was out this weekend and treated myself to some hot cocoa. Although the taste and the atmosphere of the shop I was in didn’t transport me back to London, I couldn’t help but reflect on all the progress I made and the transformations I underwent.

It was a heck of a time. A time where I experimented and truly tried to figure out who I was and where I was going. Everything was on me to figure out (how to get around, pay bills, find a place to live, find work/internship, make friends, etc). It was all hard but worth it. I accomplished so much and feel energized in a way to tackle more and continue to blaze down the path I’ve started to carve out for myself. I know I can do it, I just have to not get lost!

I feel like so many people, especially the millennial type in their 20’s, are so confused. Worried about blazing down a particular path or doing something that isn’t considered too risky for the sake of money. Money is an important thing for sure – we need it to live and satiate certain wants – but we are all soo sooo worried about it. I’d love if we could all find ways to break free of that vice. I mean I haven’t. Not even close. I still feel the pressure to bring home the green on order to live a life I can be “happy” with (note happy is in quotes because everyone has a different way in which they measure happy). I do wish we could escape it though, life might be better.

But yeah, this December I’m feeling excited about what’s to come. I believe a lot of good things have happened to me this year. I may have felt completely lost while they happened and experienced plenty of bad or traumatizing to balance it out but nonetheless, all of it needed to happen. Perhaps me drinking this hot cocoa needed to happen too – so I could truly think about the good.

Joe & The Juice Musings

I’m sitting in this Brooklyn-esque coffee shop/juice bar in London, reading a book about lessening worry.

I’m not sure it will actually help me. If at the end of the day, it’s just me wasting money since I’ve already been making my own efforts to worry less, well at least no one can say that I didn’t try! haha

So far, the book outlines the art of worry and how things in the past should remain as such – in the past. But while reading, this thought popped up. I started thinking about why I worry and the things I worry about and at the end of the day, it all stems from other people.

I think you should be able to tell others your opinions but at what point are others opinions someone else’s worries. Is it the individual’s fault for letting someone else’s words invade their minds to the point of stress and anxiety? Maybe. But when should others just shut their trap and live their own life (be it miserable or full of happiness)?

I consider myself a curious open minded person but as I get older and start to get more confused about life, I start to wish others just kept their ill informed opinions to themselves. Maybe that’s where the mean old lady stereotype comes from, young girls tired of being confused by life and receiving unwarranted thoughts morphing them into b*tch. But I kid. I mean, I don’t truly wish to not hear other perspectives. I still admit that I like to hear what goes on in another person’s brain out of curiosity. It’ll then lead me down a road where I’ll try to analyze the nuts off what was said or done when I really don’t need to go into super-sleuth “what did you really mean” mode. I need to stop that. It’s not like someone will confirm my analysis. It will forever be a hypothetical.

But worry. I don’t like it. It adds years onto you, makes you tired and often causes you to be blind to happiness and joy of the here and now. I don’t want that to be me and I don’t think that is me. I do wish that it were easier to hear other people without letting their idiotic thoughts about what you should do and where you should be get to you. And on that note, there is no “should.” There just is when it comes to your life. And if there is a “should,” it’s your should not someone else’s notions.

Don’t let someone fill your head with ways you’re inadequate or how you suck. I mean maybe people aren’t doing that and I’m reading between the lines when there actually isn’t any space to read. But what I’m learning is that if you’re true to you then worry will start to fall away.

If worry is burdening you because of others words then stop it! Learn to recognize what you find important and necessary and just do it/live by it. As long as you gave it your all, things will somehow find their way to nice ending.

 

Impulse Control, See Ya Never

Sometimes you make life harder than it needs to be.

I might just be talking to myself. Actually, not might, I am. But I’m also talking to anyone else that feels confused or anxious.

Life is hard. It’s just a fact. But I sometimes think life is made harder by overthinking what you want vs what makes sense. Well, it’s only hard for those of us who have been trained to check your impulses and follow the “rules.”

Most days I want to say F*** rules. Not because I’m rebellious or seeking a way to defy but because life isn’t clear cut and you have to do a few stupid things to really learn and even succeed.

I think people that know me don’t think I screw up or make impulsive decisions. I do! Maybe not as much as the carefree friend you know that jumps off buildings or just sleeps around (two different types of impulses haha) but I am up for taking chances – I just get nervous.

It’s hard putting yourself out there in whatever way  you choose (romantic, professional, friendship, etc). There are so many hurdles you’re trying to jump and just when you’ve cleared five back to back, a wild one appears out of nowhere to make you hit the pavement face first. Anyone would be scared of this, cause it hurts!! But sometimes these falls need to happen. You need to get hurt and see a little blood. Not so much to ground you but to help you learn how to better anticipate and live your life.

I mean, I don’t like feeling dumb. No one does. But I think it is necessary. I’ll keep dreading those moments but at the end of the day, I probably needed to give into an impulse or two and be dumb. I need to let life just happen and go for it without thinking too much about hurdles my peers or even parents have tripped over and linger in my mind.

Their hurdles are their hurdles, not mine. Just because they fell over them doesn’t mean I will. But that doesn’t mean I have the right to be completely stupid and do everything and more of what others did because “that just can’t happen to me.” You’re just lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

Back to my point though, impulses. It’s important to give into sometimes. I don’t want think back on things I’d wish were accomplished or at least attempted. You need some reckless in your life and at the end of the day, I think my life would be better lived if I gave less f***s and just did and said what I wanted (within reason, haha).