Catch Up With Me

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I’ve completely lost any sort of schedule I may have had for this blog. I firstly want to say sorry. I didn’t mean to. I got caught up with things going on which include traveling/living in London temporarily, enjoying time with my boyfriend, learning about film production, networking with various producers, trying to see friends and family, writing a bit for Huffpost, looking for job prospects, etc. You name it, I’ve probably been trying to sort something out in that arena.

So right now, although I know I owe multiple Sicily stories, I’m catching you up on me and my thoughts. What’s changed? I still find life hard, or rather, challenging. Every day is a new battle. I’m fighting negative thoughts of what am I doing with my life (as in, who do I think I am, taking time off again to be in London like I’m some sort of privileged individual). Thinking, did I mess up? Should I have stayed longer and earned more money at my previous job? Thinking, where are you actually getting on your quest of applications, new business emails, networking and the like. But I need to give myself more credit. I’ve done a lot and been through a lot.

These past two and half months (nearly three!), I’ve had a lot of happy moments and trying ones. I’ve doubted my ability to succeed and earn a living up to my standards (nice quality of life where I can help some family members if they need but also take care of myself to do the new things I’ve grown accustomed to doing (travel, nice brunches, etc).

I want so much but I want to be grateful. I also don’t want to want for too much either. Like, I don’t want to be greedy but I don’t plan on denying myself things that I’m capable of getting and making happen.

I want others around me who are striving for things and putting their all into it, to get what they want. I want people to achieve because I think if you put in a lot of effort, don’t let people talk you out of things or let self doubt throw you into a spiral, your dreams can come true.

Me, I’m trying. I’m still optimistic about what I can do and how it can be done. I’m not being naive – I think I’m being realistic about it but I need to positive as well. Positivity can change a lot of things for you – how you see certain situations and opportunities. It also can motivate a person into putting themselves into more situations where even better things can result just because you take everything in stride.

That’s what I’m doing. Taking things in stride and learning day by day. That’s my excuse for the lack of blogging. I’ve been hustling as much as I can with the intention of blogging at night but sometimes, my mind just needs a break. Some Youtube clips of The Real, movie reviews and news of Trump and Theresa May have distracted me. I’ll try to do better!

Where Did I Go?

The December holidays sort of snuck up on me and I just got back from my trip to Tenerife. I didn’t forget about the blog though, don’t you fret!

I’m actually drafting up a number of posts – one which will of course chronicle my latest adventure and another on my 2016 reflections.

Stay tuned, there will be some pieces to read this weekend. 🙂

Possible Story?!

So while on my crazy trip, I realized that I do enjoy writing. I’m constantly pondering outcomes and this exercise is a good way of getting things out whilst being creative. I’m currently pondering writing a short story (or longer one).

Below is a first look at my really rough draft of something. Comments welcome (DON’T STEAL MY GENIUS, haha)!

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I can’t recall the last time I felt completely secure.

Maybe that’s my fault for being so dependent on others. But actually, I think it’s my parents fault. They never considered me to be an adult or allowed me to figure things out on my own. It was do this and do that. Like a robot, I complied without putting up a fight. Why though? Was it because it was and is my personality? But wasn’t my personality shaped by the people who raised me? So the answer is, my parents are to blame.

I see the stars in the sky and feel the sand and wind whipping past my face.  Holding a bottle of wine in one hand and a stolen wallet in the other, I’ve never felt so confused and alone. I’m fighting back tears, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Why is my life such a mess and how is it possible to feel so insecure? My 30th birthday is a month away and right now, all I want to do is just make it all stop. Freeze time. But maybe I should go back to the beginning.

My parents are happily divorced. Siblings, none. Me, I’m Becky. It isn’t short for Rebecca so get that out of your mind now.

I grew up in Connecticut, in a modest home to middle class parents. My mom and dad were college sweethearts. Married a year after graduation because they were madly in love and knew they would make it till the end. About three years into their marriage, they had me. Little Becky. A curly brown haired girl with green eyes and a few freckles. I was adorable and my parents had the perfect little family.

I don’t remember much about my childhood or rather, the details of it – birthday parties, family trips, milestones and the like. There are plenty of pictures and home movies to look back on but for some reason, all of those memories don’t really stick with me. I remember random facts like the TV shows I’d watch after school or the soccer games I played from middle school straight through to high school. It’s not that anything traumatic happened then, I just push those memories out. I’m not sure why.

I do remember how I felt and how people perceived me. At every family function, I was the odd one, the quiet one, the one who wouldn’t dare look you in the eyes. Everyone would say “look at me when I’m talking to you” and I would reluctantly do so, terrified of offending anyone. I always felt awkward because of this and my dad didn’t help make things any better or help me get over this unnatural fear.

He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s well respected. The man everyone goes to for advice BUT I do remember how he’d always try to fill my head with…..